Live-in is "IN"...

Hi guys, here is a peice, dedicated to one of the most controversial issues our our times. The views here belong more to my reading of perceptions of people around and the changing Indian mindset.
The past decade has seen numerous changes in the Indian mindset and perceptions. Things that were considered taboo or too westernized are now becoming acceptable in the Indian context. And one such concept that has gained immense popularity in the past few years is the "Live in relationship". Though, at times it comes as a shocker that a society that was once averse to a bare minimum interaction between a couple who is engaged to get married, is now widening its horizons to accept various forms of relationships with open arms. The phenomenon of an open relationship, commitment without being legally called as man and wife is here, and it is here to stay. Even if the concept is found to be predominant in the metros and cosmopolitan cities, there are also those who move from small cities, try the option of moving in with their future life partners. As they say, men and women all over the world are same, so it is not surprising to see a trend that has already been popular in the US and UK find its way into India. "If you love someone, & you are committed, why do you need to get a legal marital certificate to live and be sexually involved with him/her", this is the argument you come across from most lovebirds now a days. But it is imperative to take stock of some very basic issues before you decide to take the plunge. Don’t "live in" just because it is "in". You are going to share your life with someone, and eventually, the whole thing will impact you mentally, emotionally and physically. Let’s first look at the reasons for this sudden trend of Live in relationships.

# Indians are now open to experimentation: Unlike the previous generation, the youth today is open to experimenting, be it career, relationships or sexuality. The entire woman's movement has made women more comfortable with expressing their sexuality and thus, they are open to test waters before they decide to get married. Issues that were considered taboo and shameful even to discuss about, are now being respectfully accepted. Though, unwedded mothers is still a concept that is not welcome in India, but a girl and boy in love staying under one roof is finding its way into the Indian home.

# Break up of joint family system: The joint family system is diminishing and the entire value system is changing. Youth living away from their "conservative" families have more space to express their freedom of thought. If the person loves someone, he/she wants to be entirely a part of their partner, and so the option of "living in" comes handy. Moreover, the present day youth has more freedom in terms of choosing their life partner, unlike the past when parents used to find a suitable match. The concept is changing and it is being happily accepted by many parents.

# Delaying marriage: There are various reasons for delaying marriage for many couples in love. Some feel the need to pursue higher studies, some have responsibilities to fulfill, before they take the marriage vows, so for them this concept of "marriage but no marriage" fits in perfectly. Move in together, live like man and wife without the extra baggage. It’s simple and yet gives you the option to start a life with your future partner as soon as you want to.

# Lacking belief in the institution of marriage: There are many who do not believe in the institution of marriage due to their past experience. It could be that come of them have seen their parents or siblings in unsuccessful marriages. Or some might have themselves had a bad marriage. Such people want to try out something different. Believe it or not, everyone needs a companion, it’s just that they choose a different way to pursue companionship. Also, there are many who move past the marriageable age. Someone in his 40s would seek a partner with different expectations, they may just move in together rather than going through the rituals and complexities of marriage. Some feel marriage kills the charm and passion of love. There is a "take it for granted" kind of a feeling. Couples also see a slight insecurity in a live in relation and believe that the insecurity will help them keep the fire alive.

I personally believe that sexuality and relationships have nothing to do with values, each one of us has a different value system, there is nothing right or wrong. It is completely an individual's choice to say 'I do" or not, to marry or to live in, to believe in pre/post marital sex. But before you decide to live in, make sure it is a well thought and well analyzed decision. Though, it may seem there is no responsibility involved, eventually there will be enormous responsibilities that you both would need to share. Be clear about your expectations from the relation. Even if you are not intensely emotional about each other in the beginning, eventually you would develop a strong affection, so "no strings" attached theory will not work for long. And of course, for all the women, make sure you have a heart to heart "child talk" before you two decide to move in. Because, you never know when the precautions don’t work. Be prepared about the consequences and how are you going to deal with them.

Nevertheless, the issue is still controversial, and everyone has there own take. Reader's inputs are welcome. Just few lines to add,

"Ishq mein kuch na munasib nahin hai,
zamaana toh nasaaz gaar karega,
par iss ishq ko dabaa de,
kisi ki itni zuraat nahin hai"

So till I login again Happy Living In:-)

Generation Gap: How well do you understand your teenager???

 

Hi guys, after the long and heated debate on the last post, I am back again with something really intersting.. Well first of all, it gives me immense pleasure and motivation to see my readers coming up with their varied viewpoints on the issues I write about.. So here is something which again could be "thought-provoking". The age old saga of "generation gap". Though I myself is a 20 something, but I think I can help you understand your teenager a little better.. :-) No it is not a Good Parenting Guide, I am not eligible to write a one:-D But just, my way of viewing the changes in the perceptions of kids who are a decade younger than me.

Parents, when their offspring sit on the fence between childhood and adolescents look back nostalgically on the days when their children had not learned to speak, were cute and hung on every word that their parents said. Suddenly, they try to become individuals in their own right and wish nothing but to fly above and beyond the protective wings of their parents. It is a common sight to see teenagers aged 13-17 discussing about the so-called “freedom”. The minute parents give them a curfew or object to their clothes or hair dos or do not allow them to go away for the weekend, “Generation gap” becomes the buzzword. Well, the beauty of this whole situation is that there has never been a time in history when parents and their children did not share such differences. These differences of opinion, account for what is known as “Generation Gap”.

Whether it’s trivial issues like the clothes in fashion, or something as crucial as considering various career options or seeing someone from the opposite sex, there has always been a difference in the way youngsters take things and the lines on which the older generation thinks. Parents often tend to forget that once they were teenagers too. Although as the basic norms of Indian society are changing, people are becoming more open-minded. Well, though the whole definition of being “open minded” or “broad minded” can call for another never ending debate. Leaving that debate for some other time, the fact remains that difference in opinion still exists. Issues like dating, live-in relationships, night outs, discussing issues relating sex are still debatable in most of the middle class and high middle class families. Parents may feel a little discarded, as “friends” and “boy/girl friends” become all important to their children. It is absolutely normal for a teenager to go through such a phase. This can be very hurtful for parents, but they should not take it personally. It is just a passing phase.

Parents have the “WE” concept. Youth often believes in the principles of independence, privacy and individual identity. They function more on the “I” concept. Parents have perspectives based on their upbringing in Asian home country, while the youth acquire their references from becoming “Americanized”. During teenage years, there are enormous attractions and distractions. The curious mind wants to try it all. From smoking to drinking to drugs to experimenting with their sexuality. They try anything and everything just to be “in” with the crowd. I am not generalizing but many of them do it just for this reason. At this point of time don’t play a dreadful dictator and alienate your children. Talk to them, communication is the key. Don’t pose yourself as their enemies. Lay down the ground rules right in the beginning.

Generation gap is not a new concept, it existed even when our parents were teenagers. By appropriate and effective measures this gap can be bridged. To interpret and understand the teenage or young mind is difficult but not impossible. If basic emotional bond blended with fluent and adequate communication does not exist between the youth and the older generation, conflict and tensions are bound to arise. To bridge this gap, listening should be given more importance than advising. To listen to viewpoints of youth and then to acknowledge them is vital. This is not very easy for an average parent, but every parent should at least give it a try.


# Become your children’s friend but not just to dig out their secrets. Be their friend in the true sense. When arguing over an issue, before taking any decision, put yourself at their position and analyze the feelings that your child is going through.

# Always remember that it’s not the quantity but the quality of time that you spend with your children, that matters. If your children do not spend much time with you, it does not mean they don’t love you.

# Most parents encourage their children when they achieve something. But don’t forget that your children need your support when they go through something traumatic. For instance, when your child is cheated by a friend, when he gets low grades in college or for that matter when he or she “breaks up” with his/her girlfriend or boyfriend.

# College going girls and boys want to stay out till odd hours of the night, parents must make them understand that if they want to party hard, they must also work hard. Parents must tell them that if they want to go for a night out they must at least inform them.

# Give your child some privacy and personal space. Don’t poke your nose in each of their matter. Don’t ask for details every time they get a call on their cell-phones. Be open to them and most importantly trust them.

# Treat your children with respect. Don’t “yell” at them all the time. Consider their advice when taking important decisions. Don’t decide for them, let them take their own decisions. Let them choose their careers according to their own wish and support their stands.

# At times, let your children make their own mistakes and learn from them. Don’t spoon feed them. Just remember that in this era of internet and exposure, a teenager is grown up enough to choose his or her friends. Let your children grow emotionally and mentally on their own. Don’t force your ideologies on them.

The communication part has to be mutual. The onus lies with the youngsters also. They should encourage their parents to ventilate their feelings and concerns by listening to them with empathy and concern. Showing sincerity and respect to older generation helps them understand the principles, ethics and philosophy of new generation. All this may sound a bit difficult but a healthy communication between generations is very much possible. Just remember how you made your first friend. Open your minds and hearts for each other.

Don’t forget that someday your "cute" babies grow up and when the time comes you must let them go and find their own destination in life. You cannot protect your children forever and if you try to do so they won’t thank you for this. It’s bitter but it is the truth.

Smile till I login again:-)

PS:I am anticipating some heated discussions on the post like the previous one..

Are men shy or are they genetically inexpressive???

Hi guys, Sorry for the long-long break, but here I am, back again with something that has always fascinated me, the so-called male psyche in relationships. Most men complain that it’s the women who are complicated. But, some how, I am of the opinion that it isn’t either easy to understand men. It takes time, dedication, patience and nurturing lasting bonds before you get to the core of a man’s heart and mind, be it your father, brother, friend, husband, boyfriend. So taking this interesting topic ahead, let me today talk about something that all women must have felt at some time in their life. Are men really shy in expressing themselves, or is it they are just programmed to be so, quiet and inexpressive of their emotions in love.

Men are usually uneasy with relationships. When a man feels something for a woman, he takes a lot of time to come to terms with this feeling. At first there is dilemma to segregate love from lust since both are integral to a man’s psychology. Well, it is integral to female psychology also, but I believe a woman easily distinguish between the true love and a mere physical attraction or infatuation. Women are more intelligent, I guess:-) Jokes apart, men often can’t differentiate between subtle differences in variations of their own thoughts. So in such a state they have no option but to refrain from acceptance of the eternal truth of falling in love. Moreover, men usually try to find logic in everything even the emotions they experience, which is practically impossible. Emotions and logic doesn’t go hand in hand.:-)

It seems that genetically, beautiful sensitivities like love and emotions don’t really go well with the male: the chauvinist and impregnable version of a homo sapien. What is the reason behind men not being very indicative about their feelings for a woman, the woman who rule their minds, hearts and dreams. Is it fear, confusion, ego, nonchalance, or diffidence? The answer varies in content and extent from person to person. Men remain inexpressive of their inmost feelings for different reasons. Many of my male friends would agree, men are generally shy or hesitant when they propose the girl of their dreams for the first time. Many men try and act cool that it doesn’t really matter but the fact remains that it is not easy for any human being to accept rejection in any sphere of life. But for those who are already in a relationship, its not fear of rejection or diffidence. The extent to which they express largely depends on the level of seriousness and commitment involved. There are some who bear the notion that it’s not “manly” to be emotional. According to surveys, men who are emotional understand a woman better. But even an emotional man would not be as open and as good with words as a woman would be. For the simple reason, that they can't blabber, they cant repeat the same thing again and again in different ways, they just try to keep things SIMPLE.:-)

Different men have different circumstances and thus have different ways of their expression of love and affection. Some believe that it’s just the confusion that makes men less candid in love. Men are too engrossed in their usual boys stuff that they in most cases neither desire nor dare to look deep inside and ask themselves “ how deeply they feel for a girl”? Also, in some circumstances, pain from past changes the way someone  lives in the present and future. Life is unfair, relationships are queer, and ego multiplies the extent of complexity in love. And that can be another reason that stop men from being loud about their love interests. A lot of men are waiting for the fresh change where women take on the brave act of proposing. Women have always been asking for equal rights, so why don’t they rightfully play the part of initiating a relationship. Surveys show that guys adore and admire women making the first move. Well, no doubt we have quite an ample number of bold gals to answer back to such egoistic freaks. Times have changed and girls unapologetically and gracefully say “I do” before their man says so.

Last but not the least, we have the commitment phobic men. They fear expressing their love as expression strengthens a relation further and takes it a step nearer to commitment. So probably when we say men shy away, it’s like virtually saying they shy away from commitment, from responsibility and from solemnizing a relation with a strong and firm foundation. Men can commit to education, career, work and to hobbies and their passions, but when it comes to committing to a girl they get jitters that shake them to the core. Man-Woman relationship has always been a point of contention and it will remain so for many years to come. It is because this relation is so very dynamic; it has so many unpredictable and irrational dimensions. It is in simple words human behavior that changes each moment, each day. Women feel men are less expressive but may be it’s just in the relative sense, as men believe women are over expressive.:-)

There are questions in life that don’t have exact answers and when questions pertain to relationships, there can’t be any politically and emotionally correct ones. So for all those men out their who had been inexpressive in voicing their deepest emotions hidden inside the core of their heart, just know that faith makes all things possible and love makes all things easy. All you hot hunks, and cool guys out there just take it easy. If you have faith in your heart and love in your sight, just go ahead and bring the two together and say it, say it aloud to the girl of your dreams, to your fiancée, or even to the beautiful lady whom you married 10 years ago. The magic of those three golden word, ”I Love you” will fill your life with a new meaning each time you say them. So don’t shy away, just express, and express with a charm, with an attitude that sweeps your girl off her feet.

And for all you women out there, here’s a little piece of advice,

Men are strange creatures,
They’ll hate you; they’ll irritate you,
They’ll call you emotional fools,
They’ll tease you with stupid names,
They’ll deny you; they’ll defy you,
They can be shy or bold,
But their breaths are in your hold,
Beneath all fears, beneath all pretence,
The truth prevails; they cant live without you,
Yes, indeed, Oh! Woman, the man is incomplete without you!!!

So try understanding your man and smile till I login again :-)